First Bar-B-Q in Kyrg...Shenanigans...Forever!

JAllen · Posted: Apr 27 2011 Post subject:

4/27 Lunch time. Nice couple of guys from the embassy show up. Lunch is pretty quiet so they got good service and food. Even on the patio.

300 and Misha the Baltica beer guy shows up with some kegs as we drained three last night during the rush. He still hasn't gotten us Tuborg glasses, astrays etc. as promised. I now have no doubt he's waiting for another plam greasing. I'm gonna have Mrs. JAllen urgently call him in and slip him a bottle of something.

Dima, the guy from the other beer company, Siberia Corona won't even return my calls or answer his phone. I'm just trying to get him to move their tap outside where we will sell a holatta beer.

5:00 and Zhenya, the guy who put in our surveillance system shows up with a coupla nice ladies for some pulled pork.
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Geronimo · Posted: Apr 27 2011 Post subject:

JAllen · Posted: Apr 27 2011 Post subject:

JAllen · Posted: Apr 27 2011 Post subject:

A teachable moment?
I consider music in our place to be important. Often people comment on the cool music and ask what were playing so they can go buy themselves a licensed copy from the corner babushka.

Mrs. JAllen was just complaining about the discs laying around the bar area. I then pointed her to the "playable in our joint" box of acceptable music, and went on to explain which music is suitable depending on the crowd we have in. I told her right now, we've got a bunch of 45-something guys in drinking over-priced beers. "Motown Classics" is good for these guys. See Talay is tapping his foot?"

Mrs. JAllen: "You mean 'Pink' would not be a good choice?"

me: "You go back to handing out menus on the street. And no more Tequila for you."
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JAllen · Posted: Apr 28 2011 Post subject:

April 28 and we have holidays coming up. I've ditched the microvan and will be taking taxis until May 10, except for minor errands. You must be wondering why.

Here are the holidays coming up. I call them "the three little hammers."

May 1 Labor Day
May 5 Constitution Day
May 9 Victory Day

In general, this is good for business, but not good for people who interact with the traffic police, and probably other official departments.

Yesterday, I'm driving in at ten am. Get stopped. The first thing I do when I get stopped is reach for my notepad and write down the time. I tell the officer what I'm writing down and this typically scares the hell out of even the toughest traffic cops.

Badge number usually ends all discussion and I'm on my way.

I didn't have my handy dandy notebook and I drew the biggest ba$tard I've ever met at home or abroad.

I was in a hurry to get to the joint to let Kapustin off after his all-night shift and the cop with his blinking stick waves me to the side of the road. Here it is customary to get out of your car, but I almost never do this. As I was in a hurry, I grabbed my license and registration and met him half way. First mistake.

He's 250lbs and from a distance he smells like last night's cheap cognac and onion stew. He walks up to me and shakes my hand, takes my documents without a word.

"Where's your 'travel list.' Since our microvan is owned by the company, the driver needs a 'permission slip' with a company stamp for the month. Couple weeks ago I didn't have this because my name is on the registration document. I used to get away with this.

I went back to the car, with Yakbreath following close behind. I opened the passenger door to get in the glovebox and he corners me in the "V" made by the door and the car. I had trouble finding the list, but I had it and waved it under his fat nose. It's dated 4/1 and is good for the whole month.

"This document says April. That means it's only good until April."

me: "No, it's good for all of April."

Yakbreath" "You've been drinking last night."

"No, I haven't."

"Maybe yesterday morning. You had a drink." Then the guy grabs hold of my wrist and starts measuring my heartbeat.

"You're worried about something, I'm taking you to analysis."

"I'm worried about letting Kapustin off."

He grabs my wrist and starts leading me to the police car. "Who's Kapustin?"

To avoid the mock interrogation that was about to happen and avoid me looking like I was bribing him and to get to the bar to let Kapustin off on time, I said. "Okay, maybe there's a problem with my documents, I'll check it out and pay you a 200 som ($4) fine right here."

We were ten feet from the police car and he drops my wrist, and says "Ikki Juz," to the cop in the car with a pile of money on his lap.

"Ikki Juz" means two hundred in Kyrgyz. As he said this, he flagged down his next victim, paying no more attention to me.

Back to the holidays... These guys get real aggressive just before the holidays to earn some money for holiday parties, etc.

I figure it's cheaper and less hassle for me to take taxis until the holidays die down a bit.
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Harry Nutczak · Posted: Apr 29 2011 Post subject:

JAllen · Posted: Apr 29 2011 Post subject:

Harry Nutczak · Posted: Apr 29 2011 Post subject:

JAllen · Posted: Apr 29 2011 Post subject:

"Officer Yakbreath, are you sure that is right? Because that doesn't look like any breath analyzer I have ever seen...

Yikes, Harry.
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JAllen · Posted: Apr 29 2011 Post subject:

Friday, 4/29

Slow lunch, but a nice couple drive up in a big Merc. They come in and mention they heard about us on the radio. This gets them 20%.

Tuesday, we invited the city's top radio station's 3 morning DJs for free dinner if they would mention their experience the next morning. This cost us $30. To help measure part of the effect of this, we asked them to inform listeners that if they come this week and mention they heard us on Eruopa Plus,

They did this.

They order brisket lunch and chili.

They mention that the brisket is cold and I'm feeling...well you know how I'm feeling.

We reheat the brisket.

We comp both lunches, give them 25% on their next visit and some brownies to go.

They ate almost everything after the reheat and were very polite.

They were completely shocked when I told them their lunch was on us.

Completely shocked and had this look on their faces like they had just robbed me.

me: "We hope to see you back."

them: "Oh we will definitely come back."

We'll see how this works out.
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JAllen · Posted: Apr 29 2011 Post subject:

Just had three big guys in here. Dmitry, Eugene and Sasha. Dmitry is like 6'7" and easily two-fifty.

From Turkmenistan and showed up in a big SUV.

"We heard your place is good. We want to try everything."

me: "Everything right now is a reheat."

Dmitry: "Bring everything and a pitcher of Tuborg."

I loaded them with everything. Everything.

Dmitry: "This is a special place."

me: We like to think so.

They ate everything and left a $10 tip on top of our 10% service charge.

"We'll come back on May 8th with a party of thirty."

Okey.
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JAllen · Posted: Apr 30 2011 Post subject:

Remember the couple that I comped yesterday for serving cold brisket to?

Get this nice string of events. I didn't get the guy's name.

1130pm and in walks a tough guy with two ladies.

toughguy: I'm a friend of Ilias.' Give me a half litre of whatever vodka he drinks.

I know an Ilias who drinks Ruski Standard Platinum, so I recommend it.

me: Here you go.

They go on to drink and eat bbq, assuming I'm a great friend of some Ilias.

About midnight a semi-drunk guy comes in and warmly shakes my hand and goes to the table. They continue to drink and eat heavily. I'm happy that they're at least getting a lot of food in their stomachs, 'cause they're gonna need it.

1245 Mrs. JAllen and I leave and get to sleep about 145.

230am and the phone rings. It's Kapustin and I'm almost asleep so I just don't move but I hear the now familiar string of "Nyet, Nyet, Nyets from Mrs. JAllen followed by "No discounts!"

What's worse, these guys had run up about and $80 bill and didn't have any money, so they tangled a bit with the new guard, who took their expensive cell phone.

Ilias said he'd come in the morning and pay the bill. Can't do much more than that.

Anyway, I come in early to let Kapustin off and Ilias shows up with his two kids, whips out an inch of 100s and pays in dollars. I still don't recognize him. He's talking about how great the food here is, etc. and I ask him where he learned of our place. "Europa Plus Radio."

Immediately I made the connection that he was in with his wife yesterday eating cold brisket.

Lots of apologies all around following this. It turns out that he's a director of a bank here, and his friend who arrived first is a very high ranking official in the finance police.

He's sitting here ordering burritos for his kids and I ask him what music he listens to.

"Buddy Guy."

Well, things were great from then on.

Hopefully we have some new customers.
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JAllen · Posted: Apr 30 2011 Post subject:

Thank you Misha!

Sat 1pm and Misha shows up. He's unloading some Tuborg glasses. A whole flock of 'em show up on our bar and I'm happy.

Misha goes out to our patio area and turns around shaking his head...

He's seen one of his tables that is surrounded by our hand made walnut Adirondack chairs. These chairs sit low, and his tables are too high, so we cut the legs off of one of them to bring it down to size. Mrs. JAllen and I made a few of these chairs in 2006 and the joint swallowed them into the black hole that is Smokie's Bar-B-Q.

"JAllen, you can't be doing that to the legs."

me: "Misha, I know, but it's only one and you can charge me for the legs."

Misha heads to his car and gets a few more boxes of glasses and brings them in.

me: Misha, Thank you so much for the glasses. While saying thank you I hand him a bottle of Glenfiddich. He's very happy and says he's forgotten something in his car.

He comes back with enough ashtrays for the entire Chinese and Turkish Olympic billiard teams combined. He throws in a coupla serving trays for good measure.

Misha: "Thank you very much, JAllen. Let me know if you need any more tables or glasses, or anything else. We'll always have them for you."

me: Thank you, Misha.

Total investment to date in Misha: $48.

When it's 108 in July and we're short of glasses, this may prove to have been a good investment.

And Misha is a genuinely nice guy.
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JAllen · Posted: Apr 30 2011 Post subject:

Here's something cool I noticed yesterday during our record sales day. We weren't that busy, but everyone was eating high on the hog and drinking high on the bar.

Anyway, when foreigners come here, the locals love to introduce them to their culture. They're very hospitable, so they take us around their country, showing us the great mountains, the rivers and the lakes, etc. Additionally, and most importantly we get introduced to their food. "Besh-Barmak" is a noodle and lamb dish. There's usually a lamb's head in the picture and the foreigner gets to cut off a piece of the ear or get to eat half an eyeball.

All good and well.

Last night some Americans were in here with their local friends. Aside from Pizza, BBQ is one of the US's few share-worthy traditional dishes.

"And, now Babour I'd like you to try a hot dog," doesn't really do the country well. Few take pride in showing off a hot dog. But BBQ.

BBQ is cool.

They were sharing and explaining food from their home country to local friends.

"And this is the Carolina BBQ sauce...yes spicy and vinegary...goes good with the ribs...try another rib...mmmmm." Thought you'd like that."

And they were doing it right here.

What an awesome feeling. We're like a tiny, still-unprofitable cultural center.
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JAllen · Posted: Apr 30 2011 Post subject:

Saturday lunchtime and the word is out that you can get food here for lunch. All expats and Marines. Some for here and some to go. Not full by far, but we're putting another load in the cooker for evening.

We are in business.

1100 and the place is packed, packed. People are leaving because it's too loud and rowdy with the football watching crowd in.

We need to reconsider soccer match showing inside.

Mr.50 came in with his wife, had a kalyan, a brownie and cheesecake. We were blasting Pure Disco on the Hi-Fi.

They just left in a very large, shiny silver car and I put the Eagles in.

Take it Easy.
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ecocks · Posted: May 01 2011 Post subject:

JA:

I thought I had had enough of traveling in the 2.5 world (that's the level part-ways above the third world of course) but, honestly your descriptions make me reminisce about patios and foreign-speak all around me. Like Harry says (threatens?) maybe the wife and I will drop in someday.

Keep up the good work!

Ed

JAllen · Posted: May 01 2011 Post subject:

JAllen · Posted: May 01 2011 Post subject:

Sunday May 1. Holiday, Labor Day I think. 11am and got to sleep last night at 3am. Getting a bit ragged and dirty again as we are doing a lot more business. I'm in here letting Kapustin off from the nightshift and closing up.

Recently was our youngest's birthday, so we're going to the dacha to have some fun.

Record night last night and no big tables. Lots of small ones and people staying late. Next week, we're going to leave some portions for Kapustin to reheat for people drinking in the am.

Last night the bar sucked down half a bottle of Dalmore and a bunch of other stuff high up on the shelves.

Wednesday, we do another radio show, giving away some free dinners. They're gonna call me in the am for me to say some stuff on the radio.

cost: $50

The first radio run has paid for itself.
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ecocks · Posted: May 02 2011 Post subject:

You tried to do Cole Slaw on the sandwiches over there?

JAllen · Posted: May 02 2011 Post subject: